The problem with beating yourself up when you fall short of your expectation isn’t just that it feels terrible; it’s also that it takes you even farther from your goals. Negative self-talk slows your progress to a crawl, while self-compassion invigorates your efforts. Really.
Research has found that positive self-talk is associated with better performance and less anxiety. Studies link it to resilience, stronger self-worth, and effective self-regulation — all attributes critical to ultimately reaching our goals. Negative self-talk has the opposite effect.
But how, exactly, can you shift from reprimanding yourself to rooting yourself on after a setback? Try these strategies:
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Know that your thoughts and actions matter equally.
How you think about a slipup is more important than the behavior itself. Negative self-talk like “I have no self-discipline” and “I’m never going to lose weight” can derail your progress more than that chocolate chip cookie or missed indoor cycling class. If, instead of chastising yourself, you reflect on the positive elements of your behavior (“I’m trying”) or validate the challenges you face (“This is really hard”), your inner narrative will be less likely to sabotage you by creating a negative spiral of emotions.
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Choose your words carefully.
Avoid using language like “falling off the wagon” or “going on (or off) a diet.” These are black-and-white, good vs. bad ways to think about your goals and behaviors that don’t leave room for the complexity of real life and the gradual gray scale of change.
Instead, think of your efforts to build healthier habits as a journey with slow and steady progress. You can take two steps forward, one step back, then two steps back and one step forward. The key is to persist — and to be patient (and kind) with yourself.
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Reflect on your successes.
If you’ve slowed in your progress toward a specific goal, take a moment to zoom out and look at the whole picture. Are there other healthy behaviors that you’ve been doing well? Maybe you haven’t managed to take a morning run for the past few days, but you have been more consistent about adding protein to breakfast — and it’s giving you more energy throughout the day.
First, acknowledge your small victories. Then, consider shifting your current goals to build on this success. The DNA of a successful goal that makes it feel attainable can be reverse engineered and replicated elsewhere in your life. The trick is to trade your criticism for curiosity and your frustration with fortitude.
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Remember your “why.”
Are you aiming to eat healthier or exercise more to set a good example for your kids? To address weight-related health problems? To boost your self-confidence? Remembering why this is personally important will help you move past obstacles with purpose.
After a setback, honestly reflect on the size and magnitude of your goals. Are your expectations realistic or overly ambitious? Striving for a goal that’s too out-of-reach will feel overwhelming, making it more likely you’ll throw in the towel.
To avoid this self-sabotage, reel a lofty goal down to earth, bringing it closer to where you stand today.
If you find this challenging, consider finding a therapist who specializes in health behavior change, or speak to your health care professional for a referral.
