Goals, for lack of a better word, are good.
Unhealthy or unrealistic goals, however, are not. They often sprout from a place of hurt, and then choke out self-esteem when they predictably fall apart. The deepened shame that follows these unrealized goals often resets the cycle, leading us nowhere but down.
How can we break the pattern? This was the topic of Dr. Natasha Robinson-Link’s Embody workshop titled, “Losing the Emotional Weight: How to Counteract the Shame and Low Self-Esteem That Sabotage Healthy Habits.” Here are six big lessons about shame we learned from her.
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Shame is a messy, complicated emotional experience.
We tend to talk about shame as though it’s one discrete feeling. In fact, it’s a sprawling, complex experience composed of many different emotional parts.
“Shame is often connected with a sense of embarrassment, guilt, sadness, and loneliness, the sense of ‘I'm alone. People don't understand,’" Robinson-Link said. “Shame is also oftentimes connected with negative self-talk, thoughts like ‘I'm a failure’ or ‘I'm not good enough,’ and low self-esteem.”
Shame also evolves over time as external messages become internalized and internal experiences feed external behaviors. Understanding its complexity helps us recognize it in all its forms.
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Shame begets shame.
“Shame can become a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Robinson-Link explained. “We feel badly and then pull away from our values and healthy habits, which makes us feel worse.” Feeling worse prompts us to retreat even farther from our goals and values, which only increases shame, kicking off a powerful downward spiral.
The isolation of shame also ensures its continuation, Robinson-Link pointed out. Loneliness is a core ingredient in shame, and shame, in turn, causes us to withdraw from the supportive networks that help us feel better, intensifying our feeling of isolation, and amplifying our shame.
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Shame blames us inaccurately.
Shame distorts our sense of responsibility for the things in life that cause us difficulty, placing blame squarely (and inaccurately) on our shoulders.
“Shame ignores the factors that are out of our control and makes us feel like we're fully responsible,” Robinson-Link said.
For example, she said: “We know there's a really large genetic predisposition to health, disease, weight, and body size with differences in hunger hormones, satiation, and metabolism overall among individuals.” Our health and weight are also greatly influenced by environmental factors such as the prevalence of fast food, large portion size, high prices of nutritious food, and the impact of weight stigma.
These factors shape the choices we face, yet shame ignores them, making us erroneously believe our unhealthy habits are entirely attributable to laziness, lack of discipline, or other personal failings.
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Self-compassion gets better results.
Many of us believe that we perform better when we push harder. Being tough on ourselves isn’t fun, but it is motivating, we tend to assume.
Robinson-Link disputed this theory, offering the example of a harsh, unforgiving manager at work.
“They might get employees to comply in the beginning, but then employees are likely to burn out or quit. Maybe they comply outwardly, but they do something different behind the manager's back,” Robinson-Link said. “Now, contrast that with the kind manager who still has high expectations but is more understanding and forgiving when their employees mess up. Employees tend to put in more effort with this kind of manager.”
Be that kind manager for yourself. Approach setbacks with compassion rather than criticism.
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Don’t run from negative thoughts.
Think of negative thoughts or feelings — guilt, embarrassment, loneliness — as buoys bobbing in a swimming pool. “If we push that ball underwater, so much pressure builds up that when we let go, it bursts out of the water,” Robinson-Link said. “We don't want to push these feelings down.”
Instead, we should acknowledge and accept those feelings and thoughts, which is distinctly different from agreeing with them.
“Simply allow the thoughts and feelings to be there. Acknowledge, ‘This is just what is going on right now,’” Robinson-Link said. Don’t battle with the buoy to trap it underwater; let go and observe. This approach allows you to have more distance from the negativity and more control over what happens next.
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Miniature goals set us up for success, not shame.
Shame often results when we fall short of desired goals. One way to interrupt this negative circuit is to approach goals differently.
“We often set really lofty goals that may not be feasible, and then we blame ourselves when we don't reach them,” said Robinson-Link. For any health-related habits, she urged, think about what’s sustainable long-term, and make sure what you’re committing to is feasible in six months, and a year, and even two years.
Take weight loss. “With behavioral approaches alone — without medications or surgery — individuals can lose typically 5% to 10% of their total body weight, a half a pound to a pound per week at most,” said Robinson-Link. “But, oftentimes, this is not how people set goals, choosing extreme goals instead.”
Make goals small and SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound). Rather than, “I want to eat healthier,” try “I want to replace red meat with fish, chicken, or tofu twice a week.”
