Q: Lately, I have been turning down social invitations because I feel so ashamed of my body and weight. But making excuses and avoiding friends makes me feel even worse about myself. What can I do?
Shame is a natural and common emotion that stems from a fear of being inherently flawed and not fitting in.
As a therapist who counsels patients in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), I help people accept intense emotions like shame (and fear, anger, etc.) and work to regulate the ones that are preventing them from living the life they want to live. In your case, shame is keeping you from being social and connecting with others, which is a shame unto itself.
To address negative feelings, I promote a skill called “opposite action,” where I encourage patients to do the opposite of what their urges tell them to do — like avoid, withdraw, and isolate.
Start by accepting (or initiating) social invitations, and then work on tolerating the dread and shame you might feel as a result. The more experience you have facing difficult emotions, the less power they will have over you. Treat negative emotions like clouds passing through the sky: They are normal; they will pass. You can also engage in things like mindfulness, paced breathing, and muscle relaxation exercises to mitigate stress if it starts to feel overwhelming.
Thoughts and feelings will follow the body, so change your posture and facial expression: Stand up straight with your shoulders back, hold your head high, smile and make eye contact with the people you meet. By adopting body language that signals confidence and competence, you’ll start to feel that way.
Consider sharing your feelings of shame with a trusted friend or therapist, which can normalize them and help you understand when and where they are unjustified (like at a party with friends). Finally, reward yourself for facing your fears by allowing yourself to do something you know makes you feel good — like gardening, curling up with a good book, engaging in crafts, or treating yourself to a favorite show or movie.
