Perfectionism. Procrastination. People pleasing. These top the list of ways we cause ourselves to fail in a desperate attempt to do well. Over time, habits become ingrained, even when they don’t serve us well, and breaking those patterns can be tough.
We sabotage ourselves for various reasons, but this behavior is generally rooted in distorted beliefs about ourselves and others’ expectations of us. Understanding the underlying thoughts and emotions that drive self-sabotage, and recognizing its many manifestations, allows us to make different choices, which lead to different outcomes. Learning to counter negative self-talk with positive self-belief is foundational.
We asked Embody readers to share self-sabotaging behaviors they notice in their own lives. Here’s what they said.
Perfectionism
“I have developed a very acute perfectionism that makes almost every task seem huge and either black or white, perfect or wrong. Due to it, I have a deep fear of my efforts not being enough, which gives way, of course, to serious consequences, which I then try to fix in a frenzy of panic.” — Lucia, Spain
“I want everything to be perfect and have everyone happy to the point where I’ve unconsciously set a ridiculous standard for myself. Then I overload myself with options and little things to do so that I lose sight of the bigger goal and am frozen in indecision for fear of failure.” — FJ, Canada
“I will often not do something because I feel like, if I can’t do it perfectly, then why bother? I always wanted to sing and play music, but I felt like there were so many singers that are so much better than me, so there’s no point. Rationally, I know that this isn’t true, but this is how I have thought for much of my life.”— Pamela, Canada
“Self-sabotage manifests as procrastination and perfectionism. I envision things going perfectly, however, I don’t do the preparations necessary to get that perfect outcome. Then I beat myself up with negative thoughts because yet again, I’m making a mad chaotic scramble at the last minute.” — Christina, California
Procrastination
“Procrastination is my fatal flaw. Not only does it mean I feel I never reach my potential, but I rarely get to truly enjoy myself because I’m either stressed out knowing I’m procrastinating, or unable to do anything fun because I’ve left a task so late that I have to spend all my time on it before the deadline.” — Esther, United Kingdom
“I am continually lining up my ducks, then shooting them. I make myself late to work, appointments, and social engagements. I tend to overcommit myself and feel like a failure when I must cancel or reschedule.” — Tracy, California
“I struggle with starting projects (it has gotten much worse in perimenopause). I get a project because I’m good at what I do, but I then sit on it until it’s so late that everything is hurried and my client feels stressed.” — Gill, United Kingdom
“One of my biggest issues is sleep procrastination. I am permanently exhausted, and I know more sleep would improve my life in many ways but every evening I fail to turn off and slow myself down at a reasonable time.” — An Embody Reader, United Kingdom
People Pleasing
“I spend a lot of time telling myself not to be a people pleaser and then I talk too much at parties trying to fill the void for everyone and then I lie awake at night asking my husband, ‘Did I say too much?’” — Jill, Maryland
“I get so fixated on looking like I have got it together and I am a star employee that I take on too much. Then I get overwhelmed and procrastination or avoidance kicks in.” — An Embody Reader, Canada
“I fall into people pleasing to the point I’m never my true self.” — Kirsty, United Kingdom
Avoidance
“My avoidance can get so bad that I will self-isolate and turn down absolutely everything.” — Angelica, Sweden
“I have a lot of energizing ideas for my business, but I focus on what could go wrong, e.g. I won’t be able to promote my workshop because I still need to create marketing materials, which I don’t know how to do, which means not enough people will attend. I guess I won’t even try. And so it goes, every time.” — Eileen, Canada
Unhealthy Habits
“I call my self-saboteur my rebellious teen self. She resists going to bed on time, washing the dishes, pretty much all the things that teens resist. She gets caught up in drama and acts before thinking. She will buy something pretty when she knows there is not enough money to pay bills.” — Vickie, Texas
“Self-sabotage manifests as binge eating, large shopping sprees, and impulsive behaviors, which then leads to guilt.” — Ciara, Ireland
Hating on Yourself
“I constantly trash myself for not being able to do the things I should. I end up feeling worthless and asking myself, why can’t I just be normal? After a while, my anxiety ramps up into panic attacks and makes things so much worse.” — Christy, North Dakota
“I critique myself and talk down to myself on a personal level all the time. I think about how I should have said something different or not have said anything at all.” — Maria, Denmark
Combat Self-Sabotage With Self-Belief
The cycle of self-sabotage picks up momentum quickly, but it can be interrupted. In a recent Embody webinar, clinical psychologist Christine Li, PhD, explained how to wield self-belief as a tool to extricate yourself from the habit of self-sabotage. Here are a few examples of Embody readers who are doing just that.
“I am learning to like myself just the way I am. I am trying not to be so hard on myself. I am speaking up for myself. I am doing things that I enjoy like having lunch with my friends, getting a massage or a facial, going to my church. I enjoy my book club and visiting my family more often.” — Priscilla, Massachusetts
“I feel like I have a greatly improved understanding of my perfectionism and am more forgiving of myself and have mostly removed negative speak.” — Wyman, California
“I am a people pleaser. I learned in therapy that I had to put others to the side and do what I want to do. It was a scary feeling to put myself first, but it’s been rewarding.” — Shanel, Colorado
