Q: Over the course of two pregnancies, I have gained 40 pounds. I’m confident that, once I get back into my old routine of eating, exercising, and sleeping well, I’ll lose some of the baby weight. The problem is that my mother keeps making comments like, ‘What happened to that cute figure of yours?’ and ‘It’s a shame that you’re letting yourself go like this.’ She also watches what I eat and says things like, ‘Are you sure you need that extra helping?’ It really upsets me and makes me want to avoid visiting her. Why does my weight bother her more than it bothers me? What can I do to make her comments stop?

Good for you for wanting to speak up and set boundaries. As a longtime advocate for people with overweight who has also struggled with obesity, I know how hurtful unwanted comments like your mother’s can be. Science backs me up in terms of the hardships caused by weight bias and body shaming by close family members.

In all fairness to your mother, could she be worried about your health and well-being, and not just your looks? It’s a parent’s job to worry about their children, no matter their age, especially if they fear their child has entered into a world of harsh judgement, criticism, and possible ill health. If you are in good health, tell her that. Remind her that you aren’t bothered by how you look right now because your priorities have shifted. (Think of your grandchildren, Mom!) Tell her you feel confident the baby weight will come off in due course.

Chances are, you’re right. A study by University of Michigan researcher Olga Yakusheva, PhD, examined the long-term weight gain of childbearing women and found that a woman’s weight one to two years after giving birth was nearly identical to her expected weight if she had no children.

When preparing what to say to your mother, be kind, as well as direct and firm. Here are some conversation starters to consider:

  • “I know you care about me, but comments about my weight aren’t helpful. Please don’t make them.”
  • “My body and eating habits are not something I want to discuss. If the topic comes up again, or if I hear any negative comments about my weight from you, I’ll need to call you on it.”
  • “I’m focusing on my health in my own way. Your concerns and comments about my weight make that harder, not easier.”
  • “Please don’t comment on my weight and what food I eat. There are so many better things to talk about.
  • “If you’re worried about me, please just ask how I’m doing instead of commenting on my weight.”
  • “I know you mean well, but commenting on my weight and what I eat isn’t productive for me.”

Keep in mind that different generations have different biases about body weight. Your mother’s comment about “letting yourself go” tells me that she may feel like it’s her responsibility (and yours) to look a certain way for others. Remind her that raising your children is your top priority now, and others’ feelings about your looks are irrelevant. If you have a supportive partner who likes you the way you are and prioritizes your happiness, remind her of that, too.

It’s not always easy to brush off comments like your mother’s — but by dealing with them directly, perhaps you’ll be able to (re)set the tone of your visits and enjoy each other’s company.

Good luck, and here are additional resources for combating weight bias!